Empathy Misses
Identifying ways in which our responses may be inhibited from productive communication and proper support and how we can use a curiosity centered approach to work through conflict.
Although we often do not have ill intent, sometimes our responses to peers, friends or co-workers when they share difficult things can invalidate how they are feeling. Being able to work through tough emotions that come up and respond to others’ emotional states is an important part of collaborative social change work. This toolkit aims to help students identify empathy misses, and how to respond more empathetically.
Step 1
Present to students the different types of empathy misses
1. Sympathy vs empathy: Empathy is feeling with people. Sympathy is feeling for them. Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection
2. The gasp and awe: feeling shame on someone else’s behalf
3. The mighty fall: person is disappointed in you
4. The block and tackle: person refuses to sit in discomfort with you and instead attacks the other side of the conflict
5. The boots and shovel: This person refuses to acknowledge that you can actually make mistakes or bad choices
6. Fix it friend: immediately jumps into problem solving and doesn’t sit in the experience with you or ask what type of support you would want
Step 2
Watch Video
Have students watch this Brene Brown video that illustrates these concepts
Step 3
Small Group Reflection
Have students reflect in small group setting with one another and go over these questions one by one with everyone in the group sharing.
1. When you think about these six types of empathy misses, is there one or two that shut you down? Can you think of an example of when you shared something with someone and they responded with one of these empathy misses?
2. What emotion comes up for you when your sharing meets one of these barriers, and how does that affect your connection with the person?
3. On the flip side, how do you rate your own empathy skills?
4. Are there one or two empathic misses that you typically use that you need to change?
Step 4
Practice With a Partner
Have students partner up and share fake scenarios with one another and practice responding empathetically.
Example:
Student 1: I failed my midterm and I am really sad and stressed about it
Student 2: I’m sorry you are stressed about failing your midterm, I know you studied really hard for that. How can I best support you right now?